Sunday, 28 June 2015

The Peaceful Life

https://pixabay.com/p-364507
I'm sitting here on Hugslut's couch getting ready to poke around on social media for a few hours before D&D and I decided that since the rain from yesterday was over I'd open the window behind me... Wow.  Took a whole day of rain to clean the air but the smell just took me back to very carefree times.

There are thing in life that when I was a child, I only had access to while camping, so now there's a lot of things that make me smile randomly.

When we went camping it was the only time I didn't have to wake up early... but I often did, waking with the sun, even at 6am, was much more comfortable than waking to the blaring alarm in my windowless basement bedroom. I still prefer to wake without alarm, or at the very most a non-jaring one. It starts the day on a much nicer note.

While we camped, the meals that were cooked were often done by my dad and his wife because to them it was fun and cool to cook on the BBQ or campfire compared to the drudgery of fish-sticks and spaghetti at home. That means I had the whole day before me and nothing was expected of me except to show up for meals. I spent those days learning all sorts of things including the cruelty of small children, and the beauty of natural cycles.

Being old enough to stay up late but young enough to not count as an adult, I got to enjoy sitting around a campfire silently listening to the ebb and flow of conversation around me as I watch the fire dance and consume whatever we gave it. This quiet companionship before bed allowed a meditative space to ponder things great and small.

These were the most peaceful days of my childhood and I think in some ways, it's the feeling I want to recapture on my homestead. A sort of slower pace that allows for great thoughts between the moments, and a connection with the natural rhythms that is harder to forge in the cement filled city.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Good Times, Bad Times

It's the good times I'm living in that make me realize how many bad times I've had. The bad times I've had help me frame the current good times as the joy they are.

When the only vegitables in my house are frozen, and the only fruit are slightly wrinkly apples, instead of recognising it's time for grocery shopping, things feel normal. I haven't completely broken out of old mindsets. Having a salad for dinner filled with a variety of leafy greens, vegies, berries, plus nuts, seeds, and cheese can be done on a fairly regular basis, yet it feels decadent.

Obviously finances and therefore nutrition have improved now that I'm not supporting a man who eats twice what I do. But there's also been an overall improvement in my social and family life since I decided that I wouldn't let toxic people dictate anything.

Last night was what I'm sure is normal for a caring family... but sometimes it's the small things that touch me soo much. I hurt myself Sunday and so I'm having trouble walking or lifting heavy things. I had planned to take the bus to Canadian Tire after work because they're the only one that carries our awesome litter.(seriously awesome, check it out) Then I was going to haul the 9kg(20lb) bag with my good arm all the way across to parking lot back to the bus stop, and then two blocks from the other bus stop to home. This is no big deal usually... but after work I was just so worn out and my shoulder was aching...

Hugslut has told me not to be afraid to ask if I need anything (especially if it means she gets to drive) so I texted to ask her if she could please pick up cat litter on her way home from work. She did so sweetly without any "well if you really need me to" guilt piled on. When she brought it to my place, my mom insisted on being the one to refil the litterbox telling me it was not a problem for her, but I was injured and wouldn't get better if I agravated the injuries.

I was really touched by their help and I couldn't figure out why for a bit. It's not like they did anything big or dramatic... but the fact that I thought of Hugslut's actions in the frame of not doing the guilt trip stuff she's NEVER done I realized the issue.

I've done everything by myself for so long because I was dating parasites.

It's a long hard road to unlearn the lesons drilled into me by years of abuse, but I'm starting to trust my loved ones to love me the way I love them. Giving with the only payment being making a loved one's life easier/happer/better.

It's time I took the advice I gave Hugslut not to long ago, "Breathe easy. We can tackle everything together."

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Owowowow

Had an accident on Sunday.  Tripped on some rebar and fell flat scraping my knee and hand in the proccess. My shoulder is a bit jammed up too. 

I'm very happy I didn't break anything and I didn't bonk my head... that said, being hurt is no fun. I'm limping and having trouble sitting because my knee doesn't want to bend. The insides feel fine but the outside is too banged up to stretch.

I am not a happy camper, or as Hugslut would put it, I'm in the wars.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Make Hay While The Sun Shines

Being injured has helped me realize I need to be more greatful and active during periods of health.

When I'm back to myself again I'm going to be better at taking care of my health. Sure I was walking home from work every day but I wasn't eating well or anything else and that won't get me fit enough to run a homestead.

I also need to buckle down on savings so we can afford that homestead. LOL

Wish me luck and a speedy recovery. I'll keep you up to date on the health stuff after I'm healed up.

Saturday, 6 June 2015

My Mask Has A Mask

https://www.flickr.com/photos/venetianmaskscollection/8705769825
I was looking at homesteading blogs enjoying the many recipies and tips I was learning... and then a wave of doubt crashed over me. These people are living my dreams, making up their own traditions and recipes, and I'm just sitting here thinking "I wanna do that, and that, and that." I feel like one of those people who are constantly jumping from one get righ quick scheme to another touting their barely grasped understanding as truth. To put it simply, I feel like a fake in my own life.

Sure my boss encourages me and thanks me for the work I do, but is it because I've inundated her with social niceties and talk of shared hobbies?  I don't slack off as much as some, but I'm certainly not on task 100% of the time and my daydreaming has led to blunders that luckily have been minor.

Friends and family say they like the dandelion jelly I made even though I know it's too firm and I think they only like it because they haven't had the propper version.

I fill this blog with info I've gathered from others, castle in the sky dreams, recipes I've got from others & am trying for the first time, as well as personal relationship stuff. Am I teaching or leaching? Am I adding anything of value or just spinning my wheels? Am I sharing or borrowing? Am I rejoicing or bragging?

All this drama in my head so I googled "I feel like a fraud in my own life." and got this.

Reading it over I found familiar ideas that were starting to calm me because it's just a normal thing a lot of people feel. That's what this post was going to be about. Just, 'silly me, I have a normal level of crazy'... but one of the "behaviours of high-achieving women with imposter syndrome" hit hard:
"Gifted women often work hard in order to prevent people from discovering that she is an "impostor". This hard work often leads to more praise and success, which perpetuates the impostor feelings and fears of being "found out". The “impostor” women may feel they need to work two or three times as hard, so over-prepare, tinker and obsess over details, says Young. This can lead to burn-out and sleep deprivation."


Okay so I do find myself doing the same thing but I'm flat out not gifted or high achieving. I am a working Joe with no fancy papers that would get me a fancy job. I take calls from customers all day. I have an average brain and I'm certainly not earning the big bucks. I'm an imposter among the imposters.

Thursday, 4 June 2015

Will It Be A Land Of Plenty?

Was wondering how close we were going to be cutting it with the whole growing our own food thing so I decided to do a few quick calculations based on caloric intake only. As a programmer Hugslut would probably need about 2000 calories a day and as a farmer I might need on average 2500-3000 a day. Lets average that to 4750 calories per day.

While our cow is feeding her baby we'll get about a gallon of milk a day. That's 2500 calories. There's three times as much once it's eating grass instead of nursing but lets use the low levels to make it easy.(especially since any over production we don't can or turn into butter or something will just go to the pig) That's about 675 calories

The hens will be laying about 6 eggs a day. That's about 470 calories. We could easily add more hens but 6 was the number we have been talking about.

I plan to eat about two chickens a month so that won't really affect the calorie count too much but for accuracy, it winds up being about 80 calories per day. 

The fruits and vegetables are really hard to calculate since different things are available at different times of year and a bunch will be processed into jars for later. So lets just say at least two apples, two cups strawberries, a cup of cherry tomatoes, a cup of salsa, a zucchinni, 2 cups of salad greens, a cup of snow peas, handful(half cup) of hazelnuts, and two potatoes a day. There will be much more fruit and veggies of high calorie and vitamin contents like squash, those are just a few random veggies easily eaten by two people in one day and the total is about 1199 calories.

Milk 2500 + eggs 470 + chicken 80 + veggies 1199 = 4249! 
That's almost enough for both of us and it doesn't count anything we'd be buying instead of growing like salad dressing, pasta, rice, or sugar.

I'll admit I was worried but colour me content. This is highly doable.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Would I Choose Like Lois Lane?

I had a weird sort of epiphany this morning. I could not willingly date Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman, and I can only see one reason why Lois Lane would.

I was just thinking about how it's usually shown that Lois Lane has a crush on Superman and a friendship with Clark, and then when she finds out the two are one (after a brief moment of being ticked off) the feelings merge together as a deep love interest... That wouldn't be me.

First I'd be hurt he lied, yes even knowing that he has to lie to everyone to keep his identity secret I'd be hurt. Feelings aren't logical. During the day or two I tell him I need to calm down, I'd start thinking about how he must see humans.

Kal-El grew up with human foster parents but he still sees us as weak, cowardly, clumsy, unobservant, and forgetful. The best disguise is to blend in is to be average and Clark Kent is his disguise to blend in. His mockery of the human condition is completely accidental but shows how he really sees us.

On top of the fact he could never see me as an equal, the lengths he went to to hide himself from the world means that I could never trust him. Every dropped pencil, every bumped head, every single slip and fall was meticulously calculated to look real without damaging the people and things around him.
Imagine throwing a stress ball at a drop ceiling in an office. It would be difficult to do so without missing the ceiling completely or knocking the light foam tile out of place. Kal-El with his super strength did the equivalent to that every time he tripped over a chair and didn't sent it flying across the room. He never showed undue concern or anger in his disguise and always reacted how Clark would react.

How can you trust someone who can mask his emotional and physical state to that extent while lying to your face for years? He's a complete sociopath.

I would never willingly date him and I don't see why she would... Unless...

We've already established he's a sociopath, what if Kal-El turned out to be an entitled douche-canoe who thinks he's saved her life so she owes him? There's no women's shelter in the world he couldn't find her. Her safest bet (even though, and because he could kill her) is to date the Man of Steel.